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sparklepaws
02 October 2007 @ 01:44 pm
Write about something you remember from your childhood. It doesn't have to be true.

I used to know a girl called Ruth
who very rarely told the truth.
Whenever she'd a tale to tell
and thought it wasn't going well -
or found that, when she wrote a text,
she wasn't sure what happened next -
she'd switch a detail here and there
quite shamelessly; she didn't care.

She said she was - now is this true? -
the Crown Princess of Tuvalu.
(Although the class all knew that she
was born and bred in Canterbury.)
And how could anyone believe
that chipmunks ate her uncle Steve,
or how she had to skip PE
cos Princess Anne had come to tea?
If there's one thing that I despise
it's those who thrive on telling lies.

This grotty girl, this yucky youth,
this rotten Ros - or was she Ruth? -
would blush and blink her Bambi eyes
and perpetrate her porky-pies.

What's that? You think I'm insincere?
You doubt my tale? Now listen here:
my story's no less real because
I'm not sure if she's Ruth or Ros.
You can't, because I don't recall,
suggest my tale's not true at all!
I promise you, this Ruth-Ros chick -
or was it Rose? Or maybe Rick? -
is real - no slander, sham or libel;
swear upon the Holy Bible.
Whilst, I guess, I do admit,
I've bent the truth a little bit
with my examples, all of these
are just the sort of fallacies
that child produced. They're simply meant
to illustrate, to represent.

Although we've lost some focus here;
my point, I think, is still quite clear.
And so I'd like, before I go,
to summarize the things we know.

I knew this kid - or knew a kid
who knew a kid who knew this kid -
a girl (or boy) who did some stuff
akin to what was said above.
This child invented, fabricated,
lied, and that was what I hated.

Though it now eludes my brain,
I'm sure this person had a name.
Or wait! I think it's coming back -
that's my name too! Well, fancy that!
I think that there could maybe be
a tiny chance that kid was me.

Or did I get that wrong as well?
It's sometimes rather hard to tell.
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sparklepaws
01 October 2007 @ 05:08 pm
Rewrite the story of Sleeping Beauty, of Noah, or of Macbeth, from somebody else's point of view. Can you guess which I picked?

We shall eat well tonight; or, at least, we shall eat. Giselle was fortunate with her snares; a squirrel and a plump rabbit, young and unwary. The scent of roasting game and sweet marjoram dances down the stairs just as our Marie used to, when she was young and healthy. Giselle sings as she cooks – an old ballad. Her voice is weak and thin, but so is she, these days; and so am I. And yet, above her song, there is a faint harmonic of laughter, of hope. There is meat in the pot and, for the first time in over fourteen years, I am whittling a spindle.

Once, there was a time when my shelves were fully stocked – high whorls on the lowest level, low whorls on the one above. On the top shelf, I kept the specials, crafted of walnut, cherry, rosewood or spalted beech, their ends carved with the faces of strange creatures. The finest spinners in town would shop here, at “Sebastian's Spindles”; no weaver wanted yarn spun on a spindle of somebody else's making. Giselle and I grew fat and merry, and our little Marie was soothed to sleep by the lullaby of the lathe.

The royal decree came without warning, and without quarter. The town crier's bell rang and, within an hour, the spindles were burning, the flames devouring the dry wood as hungrily as I will demolish that squirrel. We watched, Giselle and I, until the noxious fumes from the spalted beech stung our eyes, and we could watch no more.

They said it was because of the Princess Aurora. She was cursed, so the gossips said, to die on the cusp of adulthood, stricken by a prick from a spindle. And although the princess was just a babe – not yet fifteen months, let alone fifteen years – the King had declared that no spindle would remain in the kingdom; no yarn would be spun, for fear of endangering the royal heir. Beneath the sign of “Sebastian's Spindles”, I whittled candlesticks and chair-legs; but all that I made had a melancholy air, for everything had the appearance of a spindle, and I could sell nothing for more than a penny. Giselle took to foraging in the hedgerows, and to setting her traps, but they were empty more often than not, and there were many nights when we could only feed Marie. Scarcely a year ago, just two days before her fifteenth birthday, the consumption took our child. When I carried her to the funeral pyre, it seemed that her poor, wasted body weighed no more than a spindle.

It was just last Saturday that the old woman came, her breath chilling my fleshless bones like a winter breeze. She wanted a special, she said – a high whorl, carved of walnut, with a four-inch silver pin. The pay, she has promised, will be handsome – enough to feed us both for a year, perhaps longer, if Giselle maintains the snares. And so, once more, I take up my craft, my hands responding instantly to the memories engrained in the wood. Beneath the stairs, the crone waits. Her spindle is almost ready. And, once it is done, and I have been paid, I shall take Giselle, and we shall go dancing, and perhaps, for just an hour, our minds will not dwell upon our poor Marie. For tomorrow night, there is to be a ball at the palace. Princess Aurora is coming of age, and the whole town, even spindle-makers, shall dance.


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sparklepaws
18 September 2007 @ 01:53 pm
RULES:
1. Hit shuffle and pick the first twenty songs on your playlist.
2. Write down one line of the song. Try to avoid putting the song title in the line.
3. Have your friends comment and see if they know the songs. NO GOOGLING!
4. When someone guesses correctly, strike out the line.

   1. Ash. Metal. Water. Wood... and fire.
   2. Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces
   3. You've left me with nothing, but I've worked with less
   4. Forty-one and her daddy still calls her "baby"
   5. When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
   6. One of sixteen vestal virgins who were leaving for the coast.
   7. Je vais et je viens, entre tes reins
   8. Coriander stem and rose of hay.
   9. Four and twenty blackbirds in a cake and bake them all in a pie
  10. Well I'd hire a kid to say he was lame, then I'd touch him and make him walk again
  11. Noone to call him on the phone, 'cept for the Pope, maybe, in Rome
  12. She met another blind kid at a fancy dress; it was the best sex that she ever had
  13. I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
  14. Wie eine Blume am Winter beginnt
  15. So watch as I start to smile
  16. When you can see your unborn children in her eyes
  17. And Lorraine had a smile on her face that made her look a little crazy
  18. He has his future in British Steel
  19. She tied you to the kitchen chair, and she broke your throne, and she cut your hair.
  20. I've noticed you around. I find you very attractive. Would you - um - would you go to bed with me?
 
 
sparklepaws
11 April 2007 @ 11:23 am
Stolen from [info]jokergirl and omitting movies she already picked:

[01] -- Go to IMDB.com and look up your 10 favorite movies.
[02] -- Post three official IMDB "Plot Keywords" for these 10 picks.
[03] -- Have your friends guess the movie names.

1 - paint, eye patch, writer
2 - telephone booth, choice, race against the clock
3 - Holocaust, Bicycle, Hat
4 - ABBA, ping pong ball, road
5 - Wheelchair, Doomsday Machine, Coca Cola
6 - Garden Gnome, Princess Diana, Photograph
7 - bazaar, pianist, airfield
8 - lent, gypsy, diabetic
9 - Narcolepsy, Absinthe, Maharajah
10- Hare, May pole, sergeant
 
 
sparklepaws
28 March 2007 @ 04:54 pm
Stolen from [info]jokergirl:

Rules:
1. Have your music library ready.
2. Choose one song from your music library whose title starts with the first letter (or number) of your screen name.
3. Repeat this process with each successive letter (or number) in your screen name until you run out of letters (or numbers).
4. Post up your results.

Shy - Ani di Franco
Poem to a Horse - Shakira
A Whiter Shade of Pale - Annie Lennox
Ramblin' Man - Lemon Jelly
Kiss Me - Sixpence None the Richer
Lili Marlene - Marlene Dietrich
Ein Bisschen Frieden - Nicole
Precious Things - Tori Amos
Ave Maria - Christina England
Where the Wild Roses Grow - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Shape of my Heart - Sting
 
 
sparklepaws
17 March 2007 @ 12:56 pm
My last piece of homework *sniffs loudly*. Or, at least, the last piece of homework apart from the eight poems or long story and the not-done-this-kind-of-crap-since-I-was-seventeen personal statement about what I got out of the course, which are what we need to do if we want to enter this towards a degree. As I am 90% sure I'll never complete said degree (you make it up by taking lots of evening classes, as far as I can work out), I am undecided as to whether to do it, but I think that my anticipated level of pissed-offness should I not bother and the subsequently find myself able to get the degree if only I'd done this course would be sufficient that I probably should. Besides, it keeps me writing. So... the last piece of homework. Excuse me whilst I go find a tissue.

Mum and I were down in Margate
on an August afternoon,
eating ice-creams, riding donkeys
skimming stones from the pontoon;
when a funny man approached us
with a rain-hat on his head:
a washed-out umbrella seller,
and this is what he said:

“Won't you buy a nice umbrella?
I've got yellow, green and red,
purple, pink and periwinkle-
won't you purchase one?” he said.
“But it hasn't rained since March,” Mum frowned.
“It's thirty-four degrees.
So tell me why we'd want to buy
umbrellas such as these.”

He shouted, “Are you crazy?
These are useful all the time!
Vox populi says, in July,
they're really in their prime.
They're awesome in August, majestic in May
they're June accessories.
It's never not the weather
for umbrellas such as these.

You could twirl one as a parasol;
or wear one as a hat
(the handle may get in the way
but let's not think of that).
You could fill one up with groceries
like bacon, eggs and cheese -
you can pop a lot of shopping
in umbrellas such as these.

You can wave them overhead to find
each other in a crowd;
use the sharp end to intimidate
a kid who cries too loud.
You can bash one on a branch to knock
scared kittens out of trees.
Emergencies are solved with ease
with brollies such as these.

You could float one down the river
like a makeshift nylon boat.
It might not take a person,
but a weasel or a stoat
or a mole or vole or squirrel -
why, they'd fit in it with ease!
Have a rat or cat regatta
with umbrellas such as these.

So please purchase an umbrella:
I've got brown and black and blue.”
I cried, “Oh mummy, may I?
And you'd better get one too.”
Mum sighed and said “I s'pose so,
since he's got you so amazed,
but I'll bet my bottom dollar
that he prays for rainy days.”
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Current Mood: nostalgic
 
 
sparklepaws
12 March 2007 @ 11:02 pm
An old piece of homework, the one I asked a stranger on the train to help me with and ended up being invited to the opera. It was another of those where we were given a first and last line, and had to fill in the middle. It's not my best, but I'm feeling bad about the posting drought on here.

When I wrote this, I imagined it read in Humphrey Bogart's voice, through a filter of cigarettes and bourbon. Instead it was read in my mouse-like voice. It sounded ridiculous. Note to self: do not read this aloud. Note to you: please imagine this in the voice of Sam Spade, not me.


So the phone's ringing again, which means that in precisely fifteen seconds Betty will be saying that she's sorry, Mr Liebermann can't make it to the telephone right now. And whilst she explains how I'm currently out of the office, working on that very case, and how I've got a killer lead and how Mrs Whatever will be right back home any day now; I'm refilling my whiskey glass and wondering if I should just give Benny Cole a call, and give this whole damn game up for good.

They call him Old King Cole, the best goddamn PI in town. When it comes to missing broads, the fellow's got a sixth sense, and probably a seventh too. Ain't no doll out there can stay in hiding once Benny's on the case. Reckon he'd find old Bubbles Goldman real easy; couple of weeks, tops. Question is, do I really want her found?

So, if Benny Cole's the king of private dicks, I guess that puts old Gene Liebermann somewhere about the rank of peasant. I don't look the part, and I sure as hell don't act it. Hell, smoking always made me cough, and even my bourbon's actually amaretto. It's sweet and inoffensive, which is pretty much what dames say about me when they explain why we can't see each other any longer. Fact is, though, I'm better with women than I am at my job. The only missing broad I ever found was Bubbles Goldman and the truth of the matter is, it was really her that found me.

I met her at Mickey's place down in eighteenth and fifty-second. I went to get me an amaretto, trying to sweeten another bitter day of failed leads and excuses, and she was sat right by me, humming the old standards, and smoking cigarettes two at a time. She was wearing this fox fur coat that must've been five sizes too big for her, and she had this pale, pointed little face, like some kind of mouse or something, poking out from all underneath all that goddamn fur. Truth is, I got lost right there in her smoke and her jazz and her scent of gin, damp fox and gardenias. Then, all of a sudden, I feel this cold little hand on my arm, and I look up, and there's this fat cat with a Havana, giving her some trouble. And she's smiling up at me, sweet as you like, and telling this guy how I'm her goddamn husband, and how I get real cranky when I've been drinking. So the sleazy fellow slings his hook and she says thanks, and can she buy me a drink? And I say sure, sweet-cheeks, I'll take a Bourbon, and next thing I know she's on my lap and blowing that smoke and gardenia right in my face, and whispering about what a no-good rat her damn husband is.

So, you want to know how much of a big-shot private dick I am? Let's just say we're getting breakfast on room service before I realise that, hell, this sweet little doll is old Sonny Goldman's broad, and I'm supposed to have been looking for her for three goddamn months. So I tells her that, and she says she knows, but then she does that thing with her tongue that makes me feel like I'm jumping head-first off the Brooklyn Bridge, and somehow we never finish the conversation. And she keeps on doing that think for five more months, and all the while Betty keeps on telling old Sonny that she's pretty sure I'm close to a lead. And in the end, old Goldman gives up, and I hear he's sitting shivah for Bubbles.

Well, when Betty told me about Sonny Goldman, and how he was planning on setting up a memorial bench and all that jazz, I started feeling kind of bad. I mean, he was a low-life no good scumbag and all, but he loved old Bubbles in his own way, and I sure as hell knew how that felt. Besides, I'd earned a helluva lot of dough out of that dumb old schmuck. So I asked Bubbles, did she want to place a call or anything, just to let the old man know she was alright? But she just got real mad and threw my amaretto straight in my eyes; I'd long since stopped pretending I had the stomach for Bourbon. And by the time I stopped blinking, she'd buried herself in that big old moth-eaten fox that smelled of wet dog and gardenias, and she lit three cigarettes at once and slammed the door so hard the glass cracked. That was thirty-eight days, two hours and seventeen minutes ago, and that was the last I saw of Bubbles Goldman.

So the phone's ringing again, and I'm slugging back that goddamn amaretto till I feel like I've sugar coated my whole gullet. And I hear Betty picking up – fifteen seconds on the dot – and I recite along with her as she explains my latest fictional mission. And just as I get to my favourite bit – the part about the hot new lead – I notice that old Betty's gone quiet. So I shut up too, and I hear her say how it just so happens that Mr Liebermann has just returned to the office and that sure, Mrs Goldman, it would be just dandy to come right on over, and that yes, there was gin and cigarettes, just how Mrs Goldman liked them.

And then Betty's in the doorway wearing a smile that clashes with her twinset, when all of a sudden the phone's ringing again and she's saying it's a wrong number, but I'm pretty sure I hear Benny Cole's voice on the line. And then the doorbell rings, and old Betty goes off to answer. And I think it's all right, meaning everything, but maybe it isn't.
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sparklepaws
12 March 2007 @ 10:56 pm
Hmm, I've left this blog lying around so long I think it's gone a little mouldy at the edges. Let's see if we can breathe a bit of life into it with this spot of literary Febreze. Or actually, some really bizarre stuff we had to do for homework.

So, this week's task: the surreal. Up to 100 words to write something beginning with the following phrases: "I lived to see my swedes"; "The Fiend effortlessly devours dust and dirt"; "A new technique involves taking streaky bacon from dead donors".


I lived to see my swedes get silver in the four-hundred-metre relay. By then, I was wheelchair-bound, and I found it pretty hard to bend forwards, what with the shaking and all, so Nurse Sally had to light their little fuses. I don't think she minded, though. I mean, she must have seen the pride on their little sprouts. I was pretty sick by then, with all the coughing, and the mucus, but I'd already decided it would have to be the swedes or me. And when I saw their little medals, I knew I'd chosen wisely.


The Fiend effortlessly devours dust and dirt! It's a fork-tailed, pitchfork-toting cleaning marvel you won't want to miss. Just one swish of the Fiend's infernal flagella instantly banishes pet hair, carpet stains and sinners to the pits of Hell, leaving your home in the Seventh Circle of Clean. Pop on down to the Argos Christmas sale where prices and angels are falling faster than a rain of fire.

Hot and horny? Pick up a Fiend today – it's a devil of a cleaner.


A new technique involves taking streaky bacon from dead donors. Inventor Dr Gillian McQuack was inspired when she heard of a scheme where women were able to donate eggs for cash. “I thought, why not take the next step and go for the full English?” explained enterprising Gillian, forty-two. The sexy mum-of-three has already signed up to donate half a pound of streaky herself, and is encouraging her husband Dave to consider sausage donation. But, we say, why stop there? We'd be happy to sign up for a rare slice of her rump any time!
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sparklepaws
23 February 2007 @ 07:34 pm
This week's homework - to write a 16-line poem or 200 words of prose using at least 8 brand names.

He looked her Rover, eyed her Aston Martins,
As she leaned to put some Citroen in her tea.
She was the most Bugatti little Daimler
Any Noble Volkswagen could hope to see.

Her Maserati tan made her look Porsche;
she'd an Austin-tatious Opel-covered dress.
It was clear she was a Smart young Lamborghini –
Delorean and eager to impress.

He hoped he wasn't too much of a Hummer
as he Kia-ed up and, blushing Honda-ly,
he whispered, “Dax, I'm feeling quite Ferrari.
Audi 'bout it? Would you like a quick MG?

“I can't a Ford Cortina” he said, Saab-ly.
“But I think we could enjoy a Chevrolet.”
“Tata,” she snorted, “That'll be the Daewoo!”
“Oh well,” he sniffed, “I Skoda-ed yesterday.”
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sparklepaws
15 February 2007 @ 12:35 pm
Writing class homework from last week. The first and last lines were given ("You can always get a body", "'That's not it,' I said"); we had to fill in the middle. A bit more condensed than I'd intended (the perpetual word-count issue; I'm trying not to do more than double what we're supposed to) so apologies for the hurried ending.

“You can always get a body,” Cholmondley said, nodding. “It's a tremendous opportunity.” I nodded too; it was best, I had discovered, to agree with Cholmondley. Herbert, however, had yet to realise this.

“I dunno,” he said. “I mean, innit murder? Who'd wanna jus' give up 'is... y'know...SELF an' all? It's...” He trailed off. Cholmondley had raised his hand to silence him; he used the same technique on his labrador, Jinx. Mrs Willis, Cholmondley's cleaner, was entering, sporting delightfully skimpy hot-pants.

“I'll just go down and do under the sofa, shall I? My Kev always likes it when I go down.” She knelt, her buttocks peaking pertly. Herbert looked more like old Jinx than ever, saggy-mouthed, his tongue lolling to one side. Had I been a vet, I'd have diagnosed rabies.

“My dear, our method is entirely unlike murder,” announced Chomondley once the coast was clear. “All that is required is the temporary possession – the loan - of an individual's corporeal attributes. The essence, the very soul of said individual would be preserved, entirely unharmed, in one of the receptacles possessed by Mr Knight here.” That was me; I drew a flask of viscous fluid from my lab coat pocket.

“All that we need to do,” he continued, “is to – extremely briefly – borrow said person's body for occupation by the esteemed Dr Hill.” Once again he indicated the flask; inside it, Dr Hill slopped and bubbled. “Once Dr Hill has explained to us the remainder of the method, it will no doubt be a trivial procedure for Mr Knight to re-bottle him, and to transfer our subject back into his original body.” I, with my chemistry degree, was the brains of the outfit. Cholmondley was both sponsor and visionary. Herbert's role was, as yet, unspecified, but I had a pretty good idea.

“Nevertheless,” Cholmondley was saying, “I suppose that needn't necessarily follow. If the subject were to find his own physical attributes not to his liking,” - he looked Herbert up and down with a calculated sneer; Herbert blushed. You had to admire Chomondley. “There would always be the possibility of returning our subject to a more appropriate dwelling. Say... that of Kevin Willis? Mind you, one would hope that the gentleman in question were of a robust disposition. I hear that Mrs Willis has a voracious appetite for the perverse and multitudinous pursuits of Eros.”

Herbert's puzzled face unwound slowly to a leer. “Aye,” he agreed. “An' she's right dirty, an' all.”

A brief flash of distaste crossed Cholmondley's face. “To summarise,” he said, quickly, “Mr Knight and I seek the assistance of a personage to do us a small favour; perhaps one who might find it acceptable to indulge for the rest of his days in satisfying the insatiable carnal desires of my domestic assistant.”

“'Old on!” said Herbert. I could see him trying to untangle Cholmondley's words. “Are you sayin' that 'oever does this gets to 'ave it away with Mrs Willis?”

“I would say,” said Cholmondley, “that the given scenario would yield a fairly high probability of such an outcome.”

“Doggy style,” I translated.

It was almost too easy. Honestly, Cholmondley's like Barbara bloody Woodhouse.

**

It was – or, at least, so Cholmondley assured me – all going to plan. Herbert was out cold. Cholmondley was pacing, as was Jinx. There had been a minor moment of panic when I realised that I wouldn't be quite sure how to get Herbert out of his body until we had got Dr Hill in, the whole point of the exercise being to quiz Dr Hill on the finer details of the procedure. Cholmondley assured me that all would be well, and that we should simply make our best effort. I think I made a fairly good job of bottling Herbert's soul, though it was lumpy; I might have got some muscle. It looked and smelled like gravy.

“Commence installation!” cried Cholmondley, flinging his arms wide. He was jumpy; so was I. Implanting Dr Hill's soul was a tricky business, and I was distracted by Jinx, who was slurping loudly at something on the floor.

I was trying to get the right angle, when a shout rang out.

“Well bugger me,” it said.

“That's it!” shouted Chomondley. “Eureka! Dr Hill is installed!”

Jinx was licking his lips. They were covered in something that looked a lot like gravy. An empty bottle lay beside him. “Where's tha' totty?” he asked.

“That's not it,” I said.
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sparklepaws
15 February 2007 @ 12:31 pm
Challenged by the lovely Mox to write what happens after Cinderella goes off with her handsome prince.

Once upon a time, there were two sisters to whom life had dealt a great misfortune. Each was lame in her right foot, and supported herself on a wooden staff; Anastasis with a rod of oak and Drusella with a rod of ash. They hobbled the streets of their village seeking alms, but the townsfolk were not kind to cripples, and all they received was a steady pounding of jeers and rotten fruit. The fruit juices smeared across their faces like a grotesque rouge; it was the only make-up the unfortunate sisters could wear in those days, although they had once been beautiful and taken great pride in maintaining a respectable appearance. Now, though, both were blind, and bound silk bandages across the remains of their eyes.

For there had been a third sister, a step-sister; and she was a witch, and was cold of heart. This sister had used her dark arts to gain a beauty that came to her with no effort whatsoever; whilst Anastasis' and Drusella's self-respect chained them to their dressing tables, the fortunate witch whiled away her day sitting in the fireplace and playing idly with lentils and peas. She called herself Cinderella, and she had always harboured a grudge against her sisters. She had never been able to stand the fact that her father had found happiness once more after the death of his first wife, Cinderella's mother; believing instead that, like the country's royalty, he should have observed the traditional thirteen years of mourning. Her malice was such that - having used her cunning and sorcery to ensnare the heart of the crown prince of the realm – she was unable to enjoy even her own wedding day unless her own good fortune was crowned with misery for her step-sisters. With a foul incantation, she called upon the birds of the air. Two dark and dirty pigeons swooped into God's own cathedral and there, right in front of all the wedding guests and gilded dignitaries, pecked out poor Anastasis and Drusella's eyes.

It was said that Cinderella was fated to live happily ever after with her prince and - in a way – one could say that she did. The fates, however, have a twisted sense of humour and so it was that, whilst Cinderella did indeed live out her days in the joyful company of her royal husband, those days numbered very few and she died just thirty-six weeks after the wedding (one week for every year of her late mother's life, for those capricious fates were also most taken with the concept of symmetry). Cinderella's death was swift and brutal and, although none but she ever saw the strange sight, the truth was that she was mown down by a carriage in the shape of a giant pumpkin, which was driven by a huge and jaundiced rat, and drawn by a team of oversized white mice. She had been carrying the heir to the throne in her belly; when her body was discovered, the royal cooks were summoned, and they cut her open like a side of beef in order to try and save the child. The shell of her once beautiful body was left discarded at the side of the road, and her old friends the crows came and feasted for weeks upon her entrails.

The baby was pulled from its mother's womb alive. To its father's disgust, it was not the son and heir for which he had hoped. Instead, it was a girl, although she looked more like a new-born puppy with her eyes glued tight shut from having been ripped too early from the womb. Her head was too large for her shrivelled body and her face twisted in a permanent sneer as if deriding those who had disturbed her peace and dragged her into the cold wind of life. In no way did she share any of her mother's legendary beauty, save for one thing which was more of a mockery than a similarity. It was well-known that the Prince had found his bride by matching her foot to a tiny, delicate glass slipper. The general opinion was that Cinderella had had the smallest and daintiest feet in the land, and they had been much envied, with her sisters' practice of hacking off extraneous hunks of foot in order to fit into miniature Cinderella slippers being much copied. The daughter, though, barely had any feet at all, for she had been born before they had had time to properly form. Instead, her legs just ended in little nodules, like a pair of knitting needles; and it was clear at once to the Prince that not only would she be a cripple, but that – if he allowed her to live – she would grow up to have the tiniest feet in all the land. The Prince and his courtiers were all in agreement that this would be a great travesty against the good name of the child's mother, and thus it was decided that it would be best for all concerned to throw the baby from the window of the royal carriage and to leave it to a peaceful death from exposure, or at the teeth of wolves.

It did not take long for predators to scent the baby, still bloodied from its mother's womb. As night fell they circled - wolf, lynx and even a particularly bold fox - each daring the others to make the first move. For each was cunning, and each knew that when one moved towards the child, another would have to challenge the first, and that neither of these would carry home anything more for his dinner than a lick of his own blood; because whilst the first and the second fought, it would be the third who would slip in, unnoticed, and carry the baby back to his den. So they waited, pacing on silent pads, whilst the insidious cold crept in to stake its own claim upon the naked child.

But as it happened, neither fox, nor lynx, nor wolf would take the baby that night – nor even the winter chill. For, as the tiny deformed face began to turn the blue-black of the darkening sky, a murder of crows alighted; and in a wild black carnival they pecked the flesh of the predators to ribbons and warmed the child beneath their wing-feathers. When at last the baby was restored to her original pinkness, the largest of all the crows lifted her in its talons and flew with haste to her grandfather's home, where it deposited her in the chimney, to tumble to the ashes below where her mother, Cinderella, had once idled away her days. When Anastasis and Drusella's mother found the creature, she screamed, for she thought it must be a minion of the Devil, but the sisters heard its cries and knew that it was just a poor, frightened baby, and that all it needed was a little love. And although both were blind behind their silken bandages, both sisters were quite certain that this must be the most beautiful child to ever have been born, and that it could only be a gift from God himself.

Ignoring their mother's protests (the days when their father had any opinions of his own had long since passed), the sisters cared for the child as though she were their own. They named her Robin, for the bird that had borne her, for in their blindness they had no idea whether it were eagle, crow or sparrow, so they chose the bird name that they liked the best. By sheer force of will, Drusella managed to feed the child from her virgin breast, whilst Anastasis busied herself knitted her a suit of lamb's wool. Although she stabbed herself with her knitting needles so many times that the whole town save Drusella believed her to be covered in the scars of the pox, Anastasis never uttered a word of complaint. When the suit was finished, they dressed little Robin in it, without ever realising that it had three arm holes and only one leg hole, and then they were quite sure that they had not only the prettiest but the best dressed child in the land. Both ladies were so proud and so contented that eventually even the harshest of the fruit-tossers began to feel some pity for the blind, limping sisters who would never know that their child was not the most beautiful creature in the world, but a sad little mutant thing whose eyes were closed and whose legs were like knitting needles.

Amongst the royalty of that country, it was the custom that a widower should mourn his wife for thirteen years. The Prince, therefore, was obliged to spend these years of mourning in the company of his manservants. As it happened, he found them far more to his liking than he had ever found his bride, in all but one respect. He was at the height of his virility, and whilst the ever tractable manservants did all that they could to assist him, the one thing that they were unable to do was to bear him a child. This displeased him greatly, and he arranged a grand ball on the very last day of the thirteen years, to which all the youngest and most beautiful woman of the country were to be invited, so that he could choose himself a bride. In spite of the fact that he himself was no longer as young nor as beautiful as he had once been, and in spite of his clear preference for his manservants, every young lady in the land was eager to attend, in the hope of winning the heart – or, at least, some lower part – of the country's most eligible bachelor.

When Anastasis and Drusella heard of the grand ball, they were determined that young Robin would attend. She was, after all, the most beautiful girl in the country, and the owner of the tiniest, daintiest feet – and had not their own step-sister, Cinderella, won over the Prince with the self-same gifts? They dressed her in one of the old dresses that they themselves had had made for the previous ball, and made the best attempt they could at painting her face with expensive make-up, although it was a little unfortunate that they had confused her mouth and nose when applying the lipstick. Robin thought she had felt something peculiar on her nose but, her vocal chords never having properly formed, was unable to mention it. Finally, to aid her in walking with her stunted (delicate, beautiful) feet, the sisters gave Robin their own walking sticks, so that she was able to hobble along with the rod of oak under her right arm and the rod of ash under her left, and only rarely tripped over her ball gown, which was at least three sizes too big and which, over the course of the preceding thirteen years, had suffered somewhat from the attentions of moths.

The ball was magnificent, the palace decked out in seventeen miles of pink satin ribbon and an entire acre of plucked roses. Whenever Anastasis and Drusella tried to ask for a dance for their Robin, however, the manservants' peevish reply was always the same; he was dancing with a small-breasted, pert-bottomed, boyish blonde and, in their opinion, it seemed likely that he would take her for his wife.

At the end of the evening, the sisters took Robin home without her having received the even tiniest mote of royal attention. However, the years that had added lines to the Prince's face and inches to his waistline had done little for his wits and, as at his previous ball, his dance partner slipped off home, leaving behind only her slipper. The Prince set out once again, shoe in hand, seeking his bride; once again, he came to the house in which Drusella and Anastasia were living with little Robin. He requested that the sisters try on the shoe, but their feet had become so sore that they couldn't face the thought of forcing them into something so tiny and delicate.

“Are there no other ladies in the house?” asked the Prince, rearranging his pink-feathered hat. Anastasia replied that there was, of course, another lady, and that she was the most beautiful in the land; so Robin was brought, her face covered in a veil as a surprise for her husband-to-be, to try on the precious shoe.

The slipper, of course, fitted with ease; in fact, if Robin had had any toes, there would have been room for her to wiggle them. “This is my bride!” cried the Prince. He lifted her into his gilded carriage, whilst the sisters hopped for joy. Then, with a flourish, ripped away her veil, hoping to gaze once more upon the androgynous features of the most beautiful girl in all the land. Instead, he saw the grotesquely twisted features of a mutated child, gazing somewhere over his shoulder with the pouches of skin that held her unseeing eyes.

“Begone!” he shouted. “Get from my sight, creature of Satan, for you will never be my bride!” He turned in disgust but, as he did so, Robin's contorted lips opened and for the first time in her life, she spoke.

“Father,” she whispered with asthmatic breath, and tears fell from where her eyes should have been. The Prince turned and knew at once that this was the child he had abandoned to the wolves. But before he could acknowledge her, Robin's poor, laboured chest burst open and from inside of it flew a flock of tiny birds – sparrows and starlings, blackbirds and thrushes. And they pecked out the hearts of Anastasis and Drusella, but they did so gently, and the sisters were not sorry, for they had grown tired of life and wished only for peace. And once that peace had been granted, they turned on the horrified prince and began to peck at his groin, and continued to do so for the rest of his life, so that he could never father another child, nor even enjoy the company of his manservants, for his pain was too great.

And on the roof of the palace, every night, a robin sang; but the Prince would never hear it, for his groans drowned out every note of its song.
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sparklepaws
05 February 2007 @ 06:01 pm
Valentine's Day (O hated day!) will soon be here, so I tried to write a love poem. I say "tried", because it isn't exactly loving, and I'm not sure it's exactly a poem either. I think, however, that it speaks volumes about a) Why I have neither boyfriend nor girlfriend and b) Why I stick to meter and rhyme. This poem does NOT reflect my personal opinion about anyone but still... must've come from somewhere.

Does it mean
I loved you,
if, still,
when I smell old, stale
perspiration -
once the gagging reflex passes -
I am taken

by an urge
to creep up,
tiny,
like a dormouse;

to shrink, to crawl,
to curl up small,
and hibernate
(asphyxiate?)
in your
pit?
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sparklepaws
27 January 2007 @ 12:37 pm
My homework this week: a female version of the well-known poem If... by Rudyard Kipling.

If


If you can stay up all night with the baby,
And still get up to find your husband's tie;
If you can make him tea and toast and maybe
Iron his shirt before he says goodbye;

If, as a job, you work all day in upper
Management for half what men receive,
And then come home and cook your husband's supper,
To find he's down the pub with Ben and Steve;

If, every day, it's steak and chips for dinner,
Because he won't eat salad, fruit or peas,
And then he tells you that, if you were thinner,
He'd not have felt the need to kiss Louise;

If you can scrub the floors and clean the toilet,
Whilst all the family try to make a mess;
And make a crème brulée and still not spoil it,
Although the kids have set light to your dress;

If he bids you wear lingerie and perfume,
And dress up like a whore; in spite of this:
He'll still say you spend too long in the bathroom -
That's men for you, don't be a doormat, Miss!
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sparklepaws
22 January 2007 @ 01:08 am
I just bought an electric toothbrush. I was brushing with it when its enthusiastic vibrations and my incompetence caused it to fly out of my hand and arc gracefully across the bathroom, settling with a succinct "Splash" in the toilet bowl, where it buzzed away merrily.

That suits very well the way I am feeling at the moment. And now I'm off to brush my teeth with my old, regular toothbrush.
 
 
Current Mood: drained
 
 
sparklepaws
13 January 2007 @ 12:10 pm
It's come to my attention that it's been a while since I posted here. I haven't even sent a "Happy New Year" message; though I wish one to all of you. Fact is, I'm suffering from a bout of the Januaries, which happens every year, and which doesn't inspire me to writing cheery stories worth reading.

2007 has so far been wet, windy and gloomy. The decorations are down. I am spending an inordinate amount of time in my flat which, in spite of the amount I have spent on plants to brighten it up, still looks somewhat drab sans Christmas tree. I need to clean, but it hardly seems worth it when nobody comes here anyway.

Thing is, I've suddenly become very aware of the amount of time I'm spending on my own. It was so nice at New Year in Copenhagen, having so many nice people around, just a short distance away. I'd got used to having a friend here, too; her having got a job elsewhere has caused an unfortunate downturn in my social life. I went skating the other day; I was the only person at the rink who wasn't with someone. Except possibly the teenager doing twirls in the middle of the rink, but she doesn't count because she was skinny, young and could do twirls. It's OK and everything... I just sometimes really wish I had friends I could pop round to see in an evening, rather than having to drive for 4 hours and/or catch a plane. As it's January, like the rest of the world, I'm on a health drive and the permanent hunger contributes to the grumpiness; as do the smart-ass articles that say "Take a friend along with you to the gym!" Yeah yeah, rub it in, why don't ya? Razz!

So there you go. Grumpiness doesn't inspire stuff worth reading, so this is my apology until the sun comes out or my headache clears. And on the plus side, someone from writing class knows a publisher and has offered to get her opinion on a chapter of my novel. So YAY! for that if it comes through :)
 
 
Current Mood: gloomy
 
 
sparklepaws
08 January 2007 @ 09:57 pm
Writing class is back, and I'm so glad! I really missed it... the people are so nice, the activities are fun and I always feel really good about myself after a class. Also, this week, someone gave me a book, someone else a drawing and someone else a bottle of Bailey's!

In the latter part of last year I watched a lot of 'Strictly Come Dancing'. It has inspired me to want to join a dance class, but also to write this poem which is sort of about dancing and sort of not. So here it is.


The Wedding Waltz

It's hard to recall how we first started dancing,
A few timid steps in a diamond-clad evening,
Caught up in the tails of the spiralling throng,
And I never suspected we'd dance for so long.

We said to each other we weren't into dancing
And that if we had been we'd be dancing a Rrr-umba!
But the beat swept us on, and I never quite thought
We'd spin into the crowd and keep dancing the waltz.

And we sweep round the floor in a series of twirls
With tuxedo-clad men and identikit girls,
And the steps that we thought were our own, it appears,
Are the whisks and the weaves they've been dancing for years.

To the well-practised dirges of marital themes,
We trip through the flotsam of ship-wrecked, dead dreams,
'Til our hold is a grip, an insidious claw,
And our steps syncopate as we circle the floor.

And a greasy old Greek with tip-tappety feet
Tips you a wink so you mess up the bloody rhythm and lose the beat
But I spin you back in with the force of my will,
And you stare at the floor, but you waltz with me still.

And the whirls and the twirls get my head in a daze,
A swirling, suburban and stifling haze;
And I splutter and cough; you don't notice at all,
For you're making believe you're the belle of the ball.

And I glimpse through the fog, with dishevelled, wild hair,
A tap-dancing spirit, a punk Fred Astaire
And my feet ache to tap and dance madly with him
But, magnetic, the pull of the waltz holds me in.

And the diamonds of evening have turned into glass
And are crushed underfoot where our dancing shoes pass
And our muscles are numb, we've been dancing so long,
But what could be worse than the end of the song?
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Current Mood: creative
 
 
sparklepaws
The year I turned 21 I also moved to a new area. Our house was on the edge of town, and five kilometres or so out into the country was the large and well respected Marwell Zoo. My love of animals being pretty well-known, some very kind university friends got together and bought a year's zoo membership pack for me as a birthday gift. Not only did this enable me to visit Marwell as much as I liked for free, I was also invited to be a helper at the Christmas event.

I don't know whether they still do them, but in those days Marwell ran one of the biggest Christmas grottoes in the South of England; from what I recall it was at least as good as those I'd seen in the big London department stores like Harrods and Selfridges. If any of you lived near Southampton or had small children, I couldn't recommend it more highly. The zoo is conservation-minded with a wide variety of animals. It specialises in plains creatures - zebra, antelopes and the like - who roam across substantial fields. These, I believe, are the grounds of an old country estate; and in the centre of it all is Marwell Hall, a huge manor house dating back to medieval times, and the location of the Christmas grotto.

The grotto is a splendid affair. Visitors wend their way on a route passing through several of the Hall's panelled rooms, which are filled with wonderful animatronic displays. I recall Father Christmas' workshop with elves banging and screwing (I mean hammering and constructing toys; what did you think I meant?); a snowy hillside with badgers, foxes and other assorted wildlife moving heads and paws; a room full of delightful dancing robot ducks in scarves where a very limited selection of Christmas carols played an endless loop on a set of tiny silver bells. (I spent an entire day in that particular room. You may be surprised to learn the chiming became less endearing as the day wore on). After walking through past the displays, Santa awaited - or rather, in order to increase flow rate, two Santas; one either side of a screen and carefully orchestrated so that no young believer would ever see both at once. Substantial presents were delivered and the little darling recipients would high-tail it past the poor little ducks (to my disgust - I felt sorry for the ducks, dancing away all day and playing those damn bells for the pleasure of people who didn't want to listen). But there was no time for ducks, because the next room was the unwrapping area, an oak-panelled drawing room with a log fire, a magnificent Christmas tree and a warm, fruity scent of mulled wine and mince pies. Gifts were opened and played with, whilst parents drank wine and then left the hall through a back door which opened into a series of marquees housing a craft market, a stage where local bands played Christmas songs, and stalls selling hot chocolate and freshly fried doughnuts tossed in sugar and cinnamon.

The Christmas event was a massive venture, and as such a substantial contingent of volunteers were required to run it. There were litter picker uppers, mulled wine ladlers, raffle ticket vendors and defenders of the animatronic beasties from the assault of infant fingers. But the best job of all was that of the Christmas character - a job feared by many; a job mocked by my then-partner; a job that, to my delight, was mine.

We were free to select a costume from the rack in the volunteers room. Once I was a slightly bedraggled teddy. Once - due to a mix-up when the outfits were taken for dry-cleaning - I ended up with a badger's body and a snow-leopard's head and nobody, least of all me, was quite sure what I was. But one glorious day, I was the Marwell Tiger.

The Marwell Tiger was the greatest costume of all, the zoo's most prized mascot. It was a creation of fur-fabric genius with not a square millimetre of flesh revealed. It consisted of a pair of striped orange fur overalls with a concealed zip at the back and a magnificent tail that dangled just clear of the ground. There were matching paw-like mittens; there were furry flaps attached to the legs to cover ones shoes, held on by elastic around the soles. The head was enormous, padded with thick, green foam in the manner of a sofa or cheap mattress. Its nose, which from the outside appeared opaque, was actually fashioned from a fine, black mesh through which (from a distance) the wearer was able to see out, albeit with a very limited field of vision. Even in the December frosts, it quickly felt like a turkey-oven in there, and the foam would soon be soaked in sweat. Meanwhile the rest of the body shivered in its flimsy fur-fabric suit. As the day lasted around 8 hours, with only a short break for lunch, it was a bit of a physical ordeal, though obviously not akin to climbing Everest or similar.

The Christmas characters had a freedom not afforded to the other unfortunate volunteers; their brief was simply to wear animal suits and to thus entertain the young guests as they visited the zoo. We could ride the miniature trains that circled the park; we could greet the youngsters in the queues; we could wander the craft market providing distraction for the littl'uns whilst their parents shopped; we could feign interests in the contents of the Christmas parcels in the warmth of the unwrapping room, although the spicy wine aroma was somehow diminished through 10 centimetres of foam and fur. It was probably for the best, though; drinking was an impossibility through the immense animal heads and, even if it hadn't been, anything that encouraged the nightmare task of trying to take a pee whilst wearing an animal costume was best avoided.

The costume took a little getting used to - trying to breathe through a mouthful of foam; bumping into people left, right and centre as I struggled to see through a small square of fabric six inches from my eyes. Soon, though, my confidence grew. Speaking, I realised, was a Bad Idea. Not only did my voice sound totally incongrous when coming from a tiger, but I was utterly unable to produce a more tigrine tone. Even if I had been more skilled, the muffling of the foam would have rather dampened the effect. I therefore created my own tiger language, consisting of grunts, squeaks, giggles and other variations on the word "nngh". At one point I bumped into (not, for once, literally) a colleague taking his kids for a Christmas treat and realised, to my delight, that he had not the faintest clue that it was me. Revelling in my anonymity, the tiger language gained a selection of actions - a paw over the mouth for surprise, hands on the belly and a great shake for laughter. At some point came a tiger dance, in which my forepaws were waved and my hind paws kicked wildly in the air. I discovered a wonderful sense of liberty, a lack of inhibitions that I had hitherto experienced only after at least 3 cocktails. Nobody knew who the hell I was.

Neither had I ever been so popular. Everybody smiled; everybody waved. Children clamoured to share my compartment when I rode the miniature train. Toddlers wanted to be spun round in circles, or to partner me in the tiger dance. The Brownies wanted to hold my paws, the Cubs to play with my tail. A couple of guys also expressed an inappropriate interest in Mr Tiger ("Ooh no! MISS Tiger!")'s fur-fabric-covered boobies, but I think that's not quite relevant.

For anyone shy, I would recommend this unorthodox form of therapy. It is a remarkable feeling to be universally loved, and at the same time to know that you can make as much of a tit of yourself as you want with zero chance of subsequent mockery. I'd do it again like a shot.

It was with a heavy heart (and a sweaty head) that I removed the suit at the end of the day. I could breathe again, true, but I missed that tiger feeling. As the last train of the day pulled away, taking the final few guests back to the zoo entrance I waved a big tiger wave - out of habit, I suppose. The children looked confused. The parents looked accusing, as if I were at best an idiot and at worst a paedophile. Not a soul waved back. I was just some strange woman in regular clothes. I wasn't a tiger any more.
 
 
sparklepaws
22 December 2006 @ 11:46 am
In my first real job, there was a girl named Lisa in my team who started around the same time as I did. She was slim, with beautiful blonde curls, a Laura Ashley twinset and shoes that matched her handbag. I had a slightly stained woolly sweater with a label the stuck out almost as much as my hair did, and wore black socks and chunky shoes with a skirt that was a bit sideways. Her desk was always tidy - mine had the look of New Orleans after Katrina. She liked things Just So; I liked things So What. Surprisingly, we became the best of friends (she no longer speaks to me, but that's another story). Our colleagues laughed at how she despaired of my scruffiness and panicky disorganisation, and at how I despaired of her hang-ups and endless lists; but we shared a desire to make the office interesting, and thus got put in charge of all the stuff the new admin assistant was too miserable to do.

The particular job was creating IT systems for a council, which meant the work was rather seasonal- they needed a lot of staff for the rush periods, but at other times departments' budgets would be running low and they couldn't afford new databases and the like. Thus Lisa and I were paid our consultants' wages to do such enjoyable things as make homemade birthday cards (an example of council funding - new rules had meant they could no longer include the cost of a 5 pound packet of economy cards in their budget request, but they could, however, pay us each 10 pounds an hour to make cards ourselves and pass it off as work). We revolutionised the tea and biscuit system with the controversial introduction of the 2-penny chocolate finger. And we organised the Christmas party.

Previously this had been a rather quiet affair. A hotel would be booked for lunchtime; food would be eaten, a few amusing comments would be made about whoever was about to leave the company. Lisa and I transformed it to the Snow Ball. We still had the hotel (although we found a more atmospheric one - wandering around local hostelries counted as "research"). We introduced quizzes, team games and Secret Santa, and everyone had to dress up in Snow themed clothes or ball gowns. Carl, a gruff Northern lad brought up in a Manchester working men's club, was Snow White, complete with rosy cheeks, wig and dress. His costume had been made by all the year's new graduate recruits, who came as dwarves, and someone was a wicked stepmother. Lisa and I were the Good Snow Queen and the Evil Snow Queen. To my chagrin, when I asked the people in the office to guess which was which, not one single person got it wrong and, doubtless, neither will you. She had a floaty silver dress and glittery eye makeup, and did nice magic with her snowflake wand; I wore black with glitter boots, had a crown made of icicles, and cursed people with a Posh Spice style pointing action (incidentally, when we were the Spice Girls, it was Lisa who was Posh).

The party was a huge success. An entire team or consultants spent an entire afternoon trying to remember how to make those cut-and-fold paper snowflakes you do in kindergarten (Steve, who had a PhD, worked it out in the end). Sarah and I sneaked into the IT stores with much giggling, and stole a monitor box which we covered in silver paper and the aforementioned snowflakes. We then filled it (and most of the office, as we played jumping games) with polystyrene balls intended for stuffing beanbags. Everyone's Secret Santa presents were hidden amongst them, to give a snowy lucky dip. Lisa and I were there with our wands to whack anyone who tried to dip without having donated a gift (the hairy old guy who pinched girls' bums in the pub afterwards, perhaps). I received a delightful Liberty-design matching pen and notelet set. Lisa received a lime-green jelly frog that squished slimily in ones fingers. We took one look at each other and exchanged. That was the last Christmas that we were speaking to each other, but it was a great one, and I never had another job, another Christmas, or another friendship that was quite like that.
 
 
sparklepaws
22 December 2006 @ 10:06 am
From jokergirl, and I don't know how to link to her name.

Welcome to the 2006 Holiday Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends! Copy and paste in your LJ:

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate. I'm not sure if I've had eggnog - it has a good name though. Also - anybody else obsessed over Starbucks red cups? I was in there requesting them since November, when they had the cups but not, disappointingly, the drinks to put in them; so I had to have regular coffee looking like a gingerbread latte. This year as well as the gingerbread one I discovered peppermint mocha and just tasted toffee nut - mmmm.
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa puts presents - unwrapped - in a stocking at the end of one's bed - or, if you're lucky, a pillowcase. But friends and family should wrap and put under the tree; mine are there in a cardboard box wrapped in red Christmas paper.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? I usually have had coloured in the past, but this year I have white - one set in the window and one set on my REAL TREE! Also a green USB-powered Christmas tree, which my mum bought me last year. I like the old fashioned lights best - no ropelights, LEDs or animated Santas for me.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? Normally no, but this year I have as I went to a show called "Maypoles to Mistletoe" and they sold sprigs of mistletoe at the end to raise charity money.
5. When do you put your decorations out? Any time in December is fair game; this year I waited until the second weekend. But I had my advent calendar up from Dec 1st.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Bread sauce! (Joker - what's sill? Is it the weird herring thing?)
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: My mum and dad closed all the doors on the advent calendars and put them away again for next year. As they at least 1 new one each year, by the time I was 12 or so we had about 30 around the house. My sister and I would alternate opening most of them, but the little black pop-up nativity one was mine, and the best door was number 15. It was shaped like a huge green barrel of apples, and behind it was Father Christmas saying "Only 10 days to Christmas!"
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I think I was about 7... I don't remember being told; it was more of an inkling that just seeped in. A part of me still thinks animals can talk at midnight on Christmas Eve, though. Reminds me of my friend, who lived with her mum, but one year spent Christmas at her dad's place. Her little brother found out about Santa when their dad forgot to buy gifts so instead put cheques in their stockings, signed by himself.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? No - but if friends give me gifts before Christmas I sometimes open them whilst they are there.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? Did I mention I have a REAL TREE this year? I love decorations with memories attached. I have lots that belonged to my grandma who died when I was 18 (the first year I had my own uni room to decorate). There's the ones I made in 2004 with sequins pushed into polystyrene balls which left me with a dented thumb for a week. There's the string of pottery snowmen from the Christmas market in France, the snowflake and the bead star my mum made, the spiky hedgehog and squirrel from when I lived in Southampton, the shiny strawberry from the Conran shop from the year my first ever boss bought each team member a fruit or vegetable decoration and attached a tissue paper leaf with an invitation to dinner at her house written on it in tiny writing. This year I got a white wooden reindeer, a glitter poinsettia, something glass and shiny and my mum bought me a wooden cat in Prague which I'm damned if I can find. Looking at the tree it seems the deccies are mostly red and white, but it's not an intentional colour theming - I just like traditional stuff and red's my favourite colour.
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it, of course! Although not so much if I'm driving. It's a rare event in England, and even rarer that it gets properly deep-and-crisp-and-even. Not once in my memory have we had a white Christmas although I think one year was an official one as a half-arsed 3 flakes fell on the roof of the Metereological Office. Last year I spent New Year in Norway, sledged down a mountain, and saw long, long icicles hanging from the streetlamps so they glittered sodium orange. It was perfect. Oh, and I crossed a frozen lake with a brave Norwegian by my side and tennis-racket snowshoes abandoned at the top of the hill; and I climbed a hill where the snow was up to my thighs and I had to dig forward because I couldn't step. I was so happy I was squealing.
12. Can you ice skate? Have you ever fallen on the ice? Ice rinks continue to confound me. I haven't skated since I was 16 (and yes, I fell over a LOT, although less than I would've if I hadn't been clinging to the side). I have tried to go skating several times since. Once the rink was closed. This week (the Natural History museum in London - beautiful!) it was tickets-only. Once there was a long queue, once there was fog. Once I caught the flu. Once I had an un-Christmassy boyfrined who wasn't up for it and was too wussy to go alone. And one time I organised the team-dinner at work. I kind of bullied them all into picking an activity in addition to eating and, to my surprise or because of my bullying, skating won. I took 15 people to the ice rink, only to find that there had been a power cut and the rink had melted.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? No, what an ungrateful wretch I am. Er... one year my sister and I got a tv so we could have the ZX Spectrum in our room - that was a big excitement. Last year I had gone away with insufficient clothing so was very grateful to receive a coat. And possibly the most exciting borthday present - although I had to buy it myself - was my trampoline which, to my great regret, doesn't fit in my small apartment so I donated it to a kids' club in France. The kids were delighted, and I felt like a great philanthropist, but I still miss bouncing.
14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Feeling Christmassy. It's hard to define, but I love the Christmas atmosphere... the smell of mulled wine and chestnuts, the sound of carols, a sense that all's right with the world. And a week off work.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? I'm really not sure - Christmas pudding maybe? And I love my mum's homemade chocolate truffles, which this year will be my homemade chocolate truffles.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Carols by candlelight.
17. What tops your tree? A big gold star made out of glittery wire.
18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Giving, I think - well, both. I actually like Christmas shopping and choosing things that'll delight people - some years I have taken a day off work so the shops are less packed, and I buy a ton of great stuff and make a Christmassy day of itm usually involving the inevitable red cups. This year I even ended up scouring the town for obscure pressies for my mum's injured neighbour to give her granddaughter. Only problem is when you get to the last few people for whom you really have no idea - when you are just desperate to grab any old thing, it becomes a chore. And I used park and ride this year which was a mistake - no dumping the bags in the car once they get too heavy, so my back was stiff a few days after.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?The Shepherds' Farewell from Berlioz's Enfance du Christ
20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Take 'em or leave 'em, really - they look nice but they're not my favourite.
 
 
Current Music: Carols!
 
 
sparklepaws
21 December 2006 @ 01:35 pm
Inspired by Iason's latest blog post, and as Windows Live Spaces is temperamental about letting me reply there, the list of what defines 2006 to me. though I have to say that if there was one defining thing about 2006, it was that it was not remotely like the previous year, nor any before that.

So, in 2006, I:

  • Lost my dad.
  • Lived alone for the first time.
  • Built a snow burrow.
  • Saw Paris; turned thirty.
  • Realised that love is not a binary concept, and that there are no right answers.
  • Spent happy times in Norway, and visited Denmark, Netherlands, France, Croatia and Bosnia-Herzegovina.
  • Finally got over my fear of driving.
  • Wrote 50,000 words on a novel in a month.
  • Climbed a ravine and crossed a frozen lake.
  • Was followed wherever I went by the spectre of guilt.
  • Discovered my position in my family was now that of an adult, and that my mum relied on me.
  • Started with many questions, failed to answer most, and ended up with new ones.
  • Joined evening classes and discovered poetry.
  • Rediscovered what it was like to have real friends.
  • Couldn't sort my head out about certain boys.
  • Tried to do the right thing by everyone, to the point that I didn't know what I was doing, or for whom.
  • Played my first LARP.
  • Tried salsa dance and yoga.
  • Obsessed over the red cups in Starbucks.
  • Tried so hard to be always doing something that I forgot to enjoy the small things.
  • Grew up.
 
 
Current Mood: pensive
 
 
 
 

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